Behind the Scenes: Kyo Kara Maoh
by Offin
Summary: 'Behind the Scenes' is a dump of one-shots that attempts to portray what happens when the cameras aren't rolling in our beloved Shin Makoku. (This is just for laughs! Enjoy! On-going crack series with many characters and pairings. Warning: there be spoilers!)
1. Conrad's Arm

Behind the Scenes: **Conrad's Arm**

* * *

 _"Are you willing to give up everything, to create the world Yuuri desires most?"_

Conrad wasn't a masochist, but he didn't think his own life and goals were above Yuuri's in the slightest. He was willing to do anything for Yuuri- however, he really had to ask-

"Of course, I am willing... However- what's with the arm?"

Conrad tilted his head at the disembodied, floating arm next to Shinou, who stood within a circle of light in a sea of darkness.

"This? It's your new arm."

"New?" Conrad raised his eyebrows. "Is that not the arm that I just lost-"

"Nope." The dead king smiled down at Conrart as he approached the man. "This is an arm I've had lying around for a long time now-"

"H-how long exactly?" Conrad asked, his face contorting with disgust as the arm floated closer and closer to his face.

"Like 800 years or so."

"Is it..." Conrad never thought he'd ever have a conversation like this, "Your arm or- did you _grow_ this arm? I'm- I don't understand. _Where did it come from_?"

"Oh no, nothing like that, you see-" he knelt so he was at eye-level with the fallen soldier. "Your great-great-something-or-other cut his arm off and threw it in the ocean- because his arm was a key that opens one of those awful boxes, see?"

"Uhuh..." Conrad said as the arm floated between them.

"He wanted me to have it, so I was like, 'alright sure, whatever'- I didn't think I'd ever need it but you know- I can be sort of a hoarder which is why the castle is so full of shit. **Anyway,** I kept it and lo and behold almost 1,000 years later you come along and some Dai Cimaron jerks lopped your arm off- which, by the way, is also a key- so I figured hey, why not give him this one?"

"Wouldn't..." Conrad narrowed his eyes at Shinou, "Wouldn't that be a bad thing? If you give me that arm there would be two keys in the world- which would mean there'd be more potential for that box being opened... I can live without a left arm- so can't I just return without accepting the arm?"

"No."

"Why not?" Conrad was stunned by the dead kings blunt response, making a face.

"Because you'll look all lopsided and stuff, I can't have that."

"I really don't mind- or can't I just have my left arm back?"

"No."

"But _why?_ "

"You ask too many damn questions." Shinou sighed, looking annoyed. "I'm sending you to Dai Cimaron and you're gunna tell them you want to work for them so you can betray them and gather the boxes- see? They won't accept you if you don't have an arm because they'll be all like: _'he doesn't have an arm so he's useless, he can't open the boxes'-_ " Shinou said in a mocking voice.

"You just said Dai Cimaron stole my arm, why would they care if I didn't have one? They know I don't have one because _they cut it off of me-_ "

"Listen- either choose the arm or die."

"If I die will Yuuri's vision be fulfilled?"

"No- and your mom will re-marry to a fat old man with a foot fetish- now pick the damn arm, _Weller._ "

Conrad didn't like how this was turning out- but he decided it would be for the best if he chose the arm. It probably wasn't going to be as bad as he thought anyway...

At least he felt that way until Shinou grabbed the floating arm and started forcing it up against his bloody stump.

"What the- what are you doing!?" Conrad tried not to shriek-

"Hold still, I'm attaching it-"

"ATTACHING IT HOW-?!" He fought back, struggling against Shinou's oppressive hold.

"Stop it! Just hold still!"

"IT BURNS-! WHAT ARE YOU DOING-!? OH MY FUCK- IS IT MELTING!? MY BONES ARE MELTING-"

"Did I say this was going to be easy? No. I have to weld it onto your body using majutsu- of course it's gunna sting a _little-_ "

Conrad didn't answer- he'd finally passed out from the pain.

"Jeeze, they don't make Wellers like they use to." Shinou tsk'd as he finished attaching Conrad's 'new' arm,

"Oh well, at least I found a use for this dusty old thing- now he can go collect the boxes so Soshou can be released- he's an awful room mate and I'm tried of sharing my soul with him."

Shinou/Soshou giggled, "Whoops - _spoiler alert!_ Ahahaha well- no matter- ya'll should already know anything that's older than 1,000 years old is pure evil- it's just common sense."

With that the evil dead ghost vanished, teleporting Conrad to Dai Cimaron so he could begin his reign of angst.

-fin-


	2. A Lovely Day

More crack- sorry! This practically wrote itself. I had a lot of fun with this.  
For some reason I think Conrad's arm is a source of nothing but hilarity. 

* * *

In one of the many lush fields outside the castle, near the baseball field that Conrad had constructed for his king and Godson, Yuuri and Conrad were laying in the grass watching the clouds go by.

"That one looks like a duck." Conrad said, pointing a finger high into the sky.

"Stop avoiding my questions!" Yuuri huffed as Conrad laughed. "I want to know!"

"Isn't it a little macabre...?" Conrad said, folding his hands over his chest.

"Your new arm- does it sometimes move on it's own? Did it sprout out of your stump like how a lizard grows a new tail? Did Shinou have to surgically attach it or like, did it just poof into existence like a cartoon-"

"Yuuri, why don't you answer my question first?" The man replied, rolling on his side to look at his charge's face. "Why did you carry my detached arm around for so long?"

"Ehh?" Yuuri made a face. "I thought you were dead, I was grieving!" He said easily and Conrad raised a thin, skeptical eyebrow at the boy.

"Oh? Wolfram said you took it with you to bed, to sleep with it."

"Like I said, I was grieving."

"Gwendal said you ate meals with it, and tried to spoon feed it cereal..."

"Still grieving."

"Greta said you dressed it up."

"How does she know that!?" Yuuri blanched and Conrad gave his godson a concerned face. "Yuuri... didn't it begin to rot at all...?"

"Well yeah, but I didn't mind. It was you- your arm, I mean." the slip-up didn't go unnoticed by Conrad who gasped.

"Did you... try to replace me with my own arm?"

"What? No!"

"Gunter said you used it as a weapon... He told me you wielded it like a baseball bat."

"Because it was the only weapon I had!" Yuuri defended, "I didn't want to use your arm as a weapon- but in the end, it was _really effective,_ you know?"

"Effective?" Conrad echoed and Yuuri nodded.

"Yeah- like, whenever an enemy would see me running at them with a detached arm- they usually wouldn't stay and fight me. They'd just run away screaming."

Conrad made a face and Yuuri tilted his head at him.

"What? What's with that face?"

"You... _beat_ people with my... _severed arm?_ "

"You were protecting me from beyond the grave!" Yuuri exclaimed with a smile. "That should make you happy or even proud right? That you were there for me even when you weren't physically there? Well, like only about 19% of you was physically there for me the rest..."

"Alright, alright." Conrad waved a hand, his tan cheeks looking uncharacteristically pale. "Let's not talk about it anymore. It's all over now- my arm is resting in peace at the bottom of the ocean, right?"

When Yuuri didn't immediately respond Conrad's eyes became wild.

"It's... in the ocean, right Yuuri?" he repeated carefully.

"Huh? Oh- yeah..."

" **Yuuri.** "

"Don't look at me like that! I couldn't just let your arm go into the ocean! It was all that was left of you!"

Conrad's breathing was becoming labored as he stood up on staggering feet, running a shaky hand through his hair. "If it's not in the ocean- where'd you put it!? Did you bury it?"

"N-no, I-" Yuuri stammered, also climbing to his feet. Conrad was looking at him with such a strange look it was hard to focus.

" _Yuuri!_ " His voice was demanding and Yuuri cracked under the pressure of the man's gaze.

"It's in my room!" Yuuri blurted out, before covering his mouth with both hands.

"IN YOUR ROOM? ARE YOU TELLING ME IT'S IN THE CASTLE?"

"Y-yes it's under my bed-"

"YUURI WHAT THE HELL!?" Conrad shrieked, causing Yuuri to raise his voice too. "DON'T YELL AT ME, I COULDN'T PART WITH IT!"

"HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN THERE?!"

"I DON'T KNOW- SINCE THEY TOLD ME I HAD TO GET RID OF IT-" Yuuri shouted, both men within a foot of each-other, yelling into each other's faces.

"THAT WAS MONTHS AGO!" Conrad shouted back. "MY ROTTING ARM HAS BEEN UNDER YOUR BED FOR MONTHS!?"

"YOU SHOULD BE TOUCHED! I THOUGHT IT WAS SWEET-"

"GRETA AND WOLFRAM SLEEP WITH YOU ON THAT BED, YUURI!" Conrad cried, "YOU'VE ALL BEEN SLEEPING ABOVE MY ROTTING ARM FOR MONTHS!?"

"It doesn't smell or anything!" Yuuri insisted, "I made sure it was covered in perfume-"

"When were you going to tell me!? _What are you keeping it for!?_ "

"I grew attached to it, that's all- it's not weird!"

"Oh, _my apologies_ ," Conrad said, standing back, holding his hands up in front of his chest. "I don't want you to think that I thought it was _weird_..."

"Really?" Yuuri asked, "Well in that case..."

"NO!" Conrad blanched, giving Yuuri an exasperated look, "OF COURSE I THINK IT'S WEIRD! BECAUSE IT **IS** WEIRD!"

This shouting match continued in the middle of the lush, grassy field full of wild flowers growing under a blue and brilliant sky. It truly was a lovely day.

 _At the same time, back in the castle..._

"Oh no, papa Wolf!" Greta cried, sticking her head off the side of the bed. "My doll! She fell!"

"It's fine, Greta- I've got it." Wolfram assured her with a smile as he ducked down close to the floor to look under the bed and retrieve her lost toy.

"Don't let the monsters get you, papa." Greta warned and Wolfram gave her a haughty huff and a narrowed look.

"Greta, there are no monsters under the bed- and even if there were, I would protect you." He said with a flick of his hair that made his daughter giggle. Wolfram then stuck his arm under the bed into the dark, feeling about with outstretched fingers when he grasped onto something that felt familiar.

"Got it," Wolfram said with a smile as he began to pull on the (rather heavy...) doll, bringing it closer to him.


	3. The Keys

_The forbidden boxes._

Four boxes used by the power and will of Shinou to seal a great evil away 4,000 years ago. Four blood lines were entrusted to defend the keys to these mighty boxes. Said keys were disguised as bits of anatomy, effectively keeping the peace for millennia.

By the blood of **Von Wincott** : the box of _Mirror's Depth._

By the arm of **Weller** : the box of _End of Wind._

By the eye of **Von Voltaire** : the box of _End of Land._

Last, but certainly not least, by the heart of **Von Bielefelt** : the box of _Inferno on the Tundra._

"Wait, hold up!" Wolfram shouted, slamming his fist down upon the table. "Why the hell is my key, my heart, when all the other keys are parts of the body that can be lived without!? Why couldn't the key of Von Bielefelt be my foot or my hearing or something!?"

There was a silence among the group of listeners. All eyes naturally fell on Murata: the Great Wiseman and reincarnation of Daikenja, who had bore witness to the creation of the boxes all those years ago.

Said teenager shrugged.

"Your ancestor Rufus wanted to one-up everyone." he said simply. "To prove she had balls, I suppose."

"Are you serious!?" Wolfram snapped and Yuuri snickered. "What is it, wimp? Do you have something to say!?"

"Calm down Wolf, I just think it's hilarious, you know?" Yuuri laughed, "Your ancestor sounds like just as big of a pompous jerk as you are now."

"What!? Take that back, Yuuri!"

"Now, now, everyone _relax._ " Murata chided.

"Pardon, Geika-" the calm voice of Lord Weller broke the tension, drawing all eyes to himself. "I have a question, if I may... I was thinking, since my arm is a key and I am the last of my bloodline..."

"Go on," the Sage encouraged.

"I was thinking of adopting a child or perhaps marrying someone who already has a child..." he stole a glance at Yuuri who smiled at him, clueless. "Instead of fathering children of my own, effectively ending my bloodline. My question is this: what would happen to the boxes, and the key, should I fail to have a child?"

Murata shrugged once more.

"The _End of Wind_ would be sealed for eternity, the chance of Soshu escaping will die with your bloodline."

The entire room fell so silent, a pin falling upon the floor would be deafening.

"ARE YOU TELLING ME," this time it was Yuuri who slammed his fist upon the table. "THAT ALL YOU GUYS HAD TO DO TO DEFEAT SOSHOU 4,000 YEARS AGO WAS NOT HAVE KIDS!? THAT **NOT COPULATING** WOULD HAVE EFFECTIVELY DESTROYED THE KEYS, TRAPPING SOSHU FOREVER!?"

Murata stuck a pinky finger in his ear, wincing.

"Calm down Shibuya- that is correct and those who were keys all those years ago knew this, too. But remember- when the keys were made, they were essentially just pieces of Soshu infecting each blood line."

"Go on," Gunter murmured, eyes serious for once as he stole a glance at Gwendal.

"Soshu knew this so when he infected the blood of each family... well, he essentially did what was necessary to survive- to ensure the boxes would one day have a chance to reopen."

"That being...?" Gwendal grumbled with a twitch of his brow.

"He simply raised the libido of each blood line."

Silence again as everyone processed this.

"Basically, he made it impossible for any of the key bearers not to have kids by making them all into sex-addicts."

More silence.

"I'm not a sex-addict!" Yuuri cried, "That doesn't make any sense!"

However, none of the other keys in the room spoke up, all choosing instead to remain very quiet as they carefully stood and began to excuse themselves from the room.

"W-wait, where are you guys going!? That doesn't make sense right!? You're all normal- none of us are sex addicts! S-so why... oh god." Yuuri paled as the last key exited the room, leaving Yuuri alone with Gunter and Murata. "Is that why Wolfram is always g-grinding on me in his sleep... a-and Conrad goes away on all those long m-missions and even Gwendal... he and Anissina lock themselves in her laboratory and there's always so much n-noise... None of their fathers could resist l-lady Celi e-even though she was a black widow and she had so many kids..."

"You haven't hit full puberty yet, is my guess." Murata shrugged. "It'll probably happen to you soon- given that Soshu isn't completely gone, you know?"

Just then, Gunter's nose began to quietly bleed.

"Heika... Should you r-require any assistance-" Gunter began as Yuuri violently shook his head _'no.'_ "P-perhaps in the future when you develop _needs..._ "

 _"NOOOO!"_ Yuuri screamed as he leapt to his feet, escaping the way the other's had before him. Gunter was hot on his heels, shouting about how he: a loyal servant to the Maoh, would gladly give his body to his king in his times of _'need'._

Murata felt something squirming about his left nipple as Shinou's tiny head popped out of his school uniform's breast pocket. "He infected me, too." Shinou said with a grin. "It's why I've cheated on you a thousand times- couldn't help it. I was under his thumb."

"No," Murata said bitterly, maliciously shoving the tiny king back into his pocket with his own thumb. "You were a promiscuous asshat before Soshu infected you. Don't lie."

The great and mighty evil could not have been conquered for it nested itself in a land filled with promiscuous beautiful people. Let us never forget: the forbidden boxes of lust.

fin.

Side note: (because I find it hilarious)

Weller's **left arm** was a key, hint hint. (Insert left-handed hand-job jokes here.)

Gwendal's eye because he be starin' at all the booty.

Yuuri's blood because blood be rushin' to places _if you know what I mean._

Wolfram's heart- because certain things make yo' heart rate go UP along with _other things._

I like to poke fun at the 'great evil' of this show for being a bunch of boxes- ignore me |'D LOL


End file.
